16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
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One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy