*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
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During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.