So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
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Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
Stop sending me this shit.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.