I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist: