People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
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Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
*eats only grass-fed donuts
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
ugh not again
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.