No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
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Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
sugar glider wrangler
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money