“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
“our sushi is very fresh”
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude