Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
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Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Extremely relatable.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me