Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
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Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
worst…sale…ever
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*