*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
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( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.