*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
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Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.