If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
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My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]