Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
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Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
i hear the new batman movie is so long because there’s a scene where bruce wayne withdraws the entirety of his bank account but he asks for it all in ones and then counts it all while facing the camera
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
do u think theres a butter planet?
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.