Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
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turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
me irl
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose