It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
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A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.