Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
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I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
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Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!