When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
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A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
my sentiments exactly
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon