Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
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“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
All my friends are mad at Neil Tyson for saying that The Chipmunks probably couldn’t happen in reality because their lungs would explode from singing notes written for the human diaphragm.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed