Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
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DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
I will never stop laughing at this
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.