Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
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My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
It’s a proud parenting moment seeing your kid throw away their own trash. You may also solve the mystery of the missing silverware.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
SCARY COSTUME
Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us