A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
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Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Thoughts