The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
You Might Also Like
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Staying with my parents, pt. 17:
Me: Mom, one of your wigs is set up in your bathtub in such a way that it looks like a person is sitting in there. It’s terrifying.
Mom: …
Me. …you did that on purpose, didn’t you?
Mom: It scares your dad. He’s funny when he’s scared.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Basketball
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
My daily affirmation
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.