Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
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My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”