Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
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Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Van Gone
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
O Wise One….
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off