Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
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NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.