If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
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In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
new record!
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
Goth gf: this isnt working out. I think we should see other people
Golden Retriever bf: *started running in circles as soon as he heard the word Out*
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
PLOT TWIST:
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.