I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
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Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
birds and squirrels envy us
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.