The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
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Always 🥴
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
I feel this so hard
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening