At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
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Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary
Cop on other side: what is he doing
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
i think we should see other cousins
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
This was the best day of my life
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.