Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
You Might Also Like
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
7: mom what’s chicken made of?
me: um, chicken
7: oh, ok…are we made of chicken?
me: no…
7: how about our dog?
me: *rips up application to harvard*
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I think it’s finally time for me to get those ice cubes I’ve been saving under the refrigerator.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married