If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
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Officer: …
Me: I was trying to pamper him!
O: By blow drying his hair?
M: Yes! Like a salon!
O: In the bathtub?!
M: It’s … luxurious
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.