Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
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I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
felt that
Never forget.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Mission control: what’s happening up there??
Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
me, after any kind of buffet.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*