Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
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Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.