When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
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It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?