The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
You Might Also Like
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Hero horse inspires millions
My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
My birthstone is kidney
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before