(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
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Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
I need to get some bricks…
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Breaking news:
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
My dog and I play this game, it’s called What Are You Chewing On Now?… it goes both ways
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.