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I’m starting a security system company that only installs those giant electrical fences in Jurassic Park
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
.. do you even science?
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking