i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
You Might Also Like
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.