It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
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” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it