1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
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my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?