You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
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911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress