People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
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Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security