Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
NASA has no chill
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.