You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
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[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
it was love at first sight
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?