The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
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I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Ironic
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Please let me in.. 😂
Sound on
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.