People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
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STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video