interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
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Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?