Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
You Might Also Like
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.