My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
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When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
finally found a reasonable question
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.