“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
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Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Möther may I have a snäck
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
*turns on alarm*
Alarm: I have a headache
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?